If people or companies have a conflict and cannot resolve it together, there is another option besides a lawsuit: to start a new conversation, under the guidance of an independent third party, the Conflict Coach. But what does a Conflict Coach do that the parties cannot do themselves?
Communication gets difficult when you’re angry: people interrupt each other, use unfair verbal tricks and get emotional. Often the conversation gets completely out of hand. A Conflict Coach steers the conversation in the right direction. The Conflict Coach makes sure that everyone has an equal say. The Conflict Coach keeps an eye on the rules of the game, so that people talk to each other in a respectful manner. The Conflict Coach pays attention to the emotions, but ensures that parties do not get lost in them and stay on course. In this way, the Conflict Coach monitors the process, and guides the parties towards finding a solution themselves. And they CAN, once they are helped back to communicating effectively with each other, instead of arguing.
But a Conflict Coach does much more. People who are in conflict usually get stuck in a certain position. From that point on, they just keep repeating that position: sometimes menacing, sometimes conciliatory, loud or crying, but it always comes down to the same thing: what they think is true, and what the other party thinks is wrong. “Win or lose” seems the only possible outcome.
Conflict Coaches are trained to make people look at their situation differently. By broadening their perspective and even helping them to look at the matter from the other person’s point of view (you don’t have to agree) chances are opened for a win/win solution that satisfies both parties. For example: if two people want one orange, there seem to be only two solutions: either one gets everything, or both get half. Nobody is really satisfied. But when they investigate WHY each of them wants that orange, it turns out that one person needs only the pulp for juice and the other only the peel for a pie. Both can go home 100% satisfied!
Finding the underlying interests, the WHY, is one of the most important tasks of the Conflict Coach. Often parties are so fixated on their point of view (I am entitled to that orange and you are not), that they cannot figure out the WHY themselves. To share this technique with anyone who wants to resolve a conflict, I found an easy way to remember it. What should you do when people misunderstand each other and don’t get any further? Search for connection. How do you do that in this modern day and age? With WIFI!
WIFI stands for Wish, Interest, Fear and Intention. In other words: behind everything people shout in their frustration, there is a hidden wish, interest, fear and/or intention. Once you find it, the solution is in sight! Behind the statement “I want 100,000 guilders in severance pay!” may be the wish to be compensated for ill-treatment, the fear of being unemployed, or the intention to start a business. Knowing that, a sincere apology, a good reference, outplacement guidance, business coaching or sponsoring can become part of the solution, instead of just payment. Behind the statement: “You never have time for me and the kids!” you may find a wish for more time together, or for a fairer division of tasks; maybe the fear of falling behind careerwise, or the intention to work again or pick up an education.
The best way to resolve a conflict is therefore not to respond to the reproach, but to keep asking genuinely interested questions until you find the WIFI behind the reproach. It is a bit like searching for the spot where your WIFI gives you the best connection. It takes some effort, but only when you have reached this spot, will you both know exactly what is going on and see where there is room to negotiate solutions. Otherwise you are just screaming in the void.
Give WIFI a try the next time you run into a conflict. And if you cannot come to an agreement together, the Conflict Coach may be able to help you get reconnected.
Add a Comment